Left or Right
Dream Crushing 101
When I was young, I wanted my hair to be dark. Each trip to the hairdresser was the same. “Alright Deb, what are we going to do with your hair today?”
“I would like to make it dark.” The laughs and the “Oh you are so silly!” came out and all it did was make me cry. It was a Dream Crushing moment for which I am grateful today. I wanted to have dark hair because I didn’t know anyone who had blonde hair like mine. I wanted to hide behind someone else’s image.
I was so ashamed to be different than everyone else. I had very long blonde hair and blue eyes where the world around me was full of people with dark hair and dark eyes. Feeling different was very uncomfortable. It didn’t always feel wrong, it was the only thing I could think of that separated me from everyone else and when kids being kids needed something to pick on you for it. My hair somehow always came up.
These are moments I look back on when I am in a part of my cycle that is afraid of change. When it comes to planning, I know that I won't be taking another full loop. During this time, I know there is a chance to change the outcome and not return to this place again.
What does that mean?
We all have a cycle. We all have a season. It doesn’t matter what you call it, it is how you nurture it. A feeling we have when we are triggered by a situation and afraid of the outcome. Because we have been hurt here or don't know what to do, we are scared. I do believe these are lessons we are taught. We are playing a game of insanity with ourselves because we don't want to see some truths, or we are comfortable in the cycle and afraid of being free from that comfort zone.
it was not about the hair. It was me wanting to hide in a crowd out of fear. As a child, I aspired to be a talented athlete. I wanted to be a stellar student and get stellar grades. I wanted to BE SOMEONE who was recognized and heard instead of being different. I didn’t know that back then. Being different made me special. I only saw my hair as a vehicle leading me down the wrong path. It followed me way to long and hair color choices became hiding in bad jobs and bad relationships.
Today I think back to my hair choices as a youngster because I am at a turning point in my cycle. The adults and parents that I had didn't "fill my wants" as soon as I asked for them. I was given what was best for me. I sit in the decision now looking at myself and saying, “thank you” as I have that same pit in my stomach that is asking me to run and do something that will keep me part of the crowd, which means to me “Go run and hide in a sea of people where you don’t stand out.” This is where I need to be at this moment. Dream Crushing is an important part of the process. Pay attention to it. They saw it as a place where it would dim my light and at a young age, I didn’t see that. Now I do.
My cycle is at that place of – am I going to loop around this again or am I willing to appreciate where I am and hold on through this dust storm? Am I going to find the path that belongs to me? I choose to change this cycle and walk through the dust storm of fears and see the potential and beauty on the other side of the storm. This time I am ready and there will be no Dream Crushing from anyone, including myself.
If you look at the title Left or Right, I wonder where everyone’s mind wanders to when they read this. There are 784 directions to this article, but I wrote it with one intention. I made a bold decision back in 2017 of listening to the voice within me, the voice of God speaking to me through my heart. “Leave your job and go write. I will take care of the rest.” It sounded insane. When I look backwards at my career history, I was chasing something that didn’t serve me. Therefore I was never satisfied. I wasn’t listening to my heart. This time I listened to the sign and trusted it. The message was from God. I learned to follow my heart that day. As I feel crazy and have many doubts and want to run. This is where I am changing my cycle. I am determined to continue to ride this dust storm of fears and follow my path. I keep moving forward. Living in the trust of my Dream.
I have a tendency to become anxious at the most inconvenient of moments of my day. I have learned to sit in silence in these moments because it is a frantic voice that doesn’t serve me. It is not my truth. The times become apparent. Monday mornings at 4am, Tuesday afternoons at 1pm, when I am checking my bank account, getting into my car, driving on Boston Post Rd. The list can keep going. I sit in the silence and remind myself that this anxiety is just trying to keep me in the crowd with the other fears, where my fear won’t feel alone. I let the anxiety have its moment and I simply look to Divine Mercy and say “Jesus I surrender to You. Take care of everything. Jesus, I trust in You.” Then it fades away. The cloud of fear dissipates. I turn back to what I need to do at that moment because that is all I can control. I know that Jesus is in control of the rest of the unknown.
There are many moments that have their own cycles. My cycles can be the loudest when I am sleeping or attempting to sleep. I have never been a healthy sleeper and have many issues. Successful rituals that I have found are good for a few days, some I can continue for a few months, and others are only suitable for one day. I have bad habits that I convince myself I “need” to get me through a night of sleeping. Then wake up in a panic and upset with no sleep. Some of these were necessary to get through the silence. I am not perfect y’all.
Left or Right? Which do you choose?
My new consistent sleeping remedy has been my weighted blanket. It keeps me from tossing and turning and sleeping in positions that hurt my back and neck. It does help tremendously. As I will forever work on my sleeping rituals for the better, I have looked deep into the cycles within those hours confined to my mattress. When I sleep to the left, I am cling to my pillow for dear life. I can see myself unable to close my eyes and fall asleep. I am sleeping in fear and not even knowing that I am doing it. I call upon God and my Angels to ask them to guide me since I have noticed my pattern. “Turn to the right.” I hear the voice within me speak. Sometimes I say I am too tired, or I just do it. I notice what phase of my sleep I am at and know this will be the restful side. I turn and I am peaceful. No pillow to cling to on the right side. When on the right side, I noticed that I was hugging myself. My arms wrapped around me. All this time, I never noticed it. I feel loved and hugged and blessed when I turn to the right side. It is where I have my trust in God at that moment, and I can release my fears.
Each phase of your cycle has a place where you can choose the direction. Taking another loop through the cycle is okay if you aren't ready to see what's on the other side. There are things you may not have experienced yet. Pay attention to your heart and let it lead you there. The decision to go left or right is yours and no one else. When you listen to your heart you are nourishing your Dreams made just for you. Feed your storm with love and care during this time. You are never on the wrong path when your heart is leading the way.
If it is a Dream in your heart it was made for YOU and Divinely given to YOU for a reason. Because you deserve it! It is YOURS to KEEP! #DREAMBIG
If you need help and want to discover how you can ignite your fire within, identify your Dreams and become the best version of yourself.
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The more you help with these little things helps me get a bit closer to my Dreams.
Contact me: dk@debbykruszewski.com
