Holding Me Back
“Go home, get ahead, light-speed internet
I don’t wanna talk about the way that it was
Leave America, two kids follow her
I don’t wanna talk about who’s doin’ it first ”
I love the ding on my phone of an alert. I made a bored Sunday during COVID decision after an afternoon cocktail to change as many ringtones on my phone as possible. They all had to be unique and well, hysterical. I am so proud to say, I did not disappoint. I love it when someone that I don’t talk to that much send me a message. Here it comes “Hello! It’s Big Bird!” I am seriously looking around for a big yellow bird. Yup, those moments are priceless.
Back to the ding. “It’s Instagram!” I screamed. That one for sure just has some jazz to it. It’s the same as when someone rings your doorbell. You know exactly who it is by the tone of the bell. I wasn’t feeling the need to be a challenge on this one. I flipped my phone right over to see who liked my recent post. It can be addicting, I know. Working on my Diet Coke addiction first, so relax on this one. It was a rando from a post I commented on at some point that week. I went to click on it. Oh my, it’s a hater. Does this mean I have arrived? I was elated with her disgust. Someone went out of their way to hate on me. Is what glamour looks like? Am I on my way to Insta-fame?
Her words were from a religious post and there were lots of haters. I found my Insta fam group liking of the same type posts. We all commented on people not having the right information and basically took away the glory of what the post was about. Hater’s words were directed straight at me. Hmmmm. Well, I mean…I have arrived right? I should say something back. Should it be witty? Sarcastic? Obnoxious? All of the above? I was having an Insta-heart attack. I walked away from my phone and thought about it. I came to the conclusion that I would have the right answer in the am.
Morning came and I thought about it again. I looked at the hateful comment and the delight of it became really sad. Who is this chick? I didn’t even think about who she was or why she needed to call me out with hatred. I went to her page to see she was a young girl who oddly enough likes New Kids on the Block. Who could be so sad and love NKOTB at the same time? Her posts mostly consist of a combo of New Kids and telling the world how lost she really is. The darkness is all around her. Ok, I know what I am going to write back. I went into the post, tagged her and said, “I will pray for you.” She grabbed the bait. Went off on me that her father is a pastor, and she could pray for herself and didn’t need me. That empty soul really needed a hug that day. I hope that God heard my prayer.
Empty souls seemed to have shown up a lot more often since that moment. As I am learning more of my clairvoyance skills, I can see deeper into what ales people. I noticed how many people are out there hurt and lost. Going through the motions of the day, watching the clock tick with their number to come up for their next move. It is really sad. They are real live zombies. I have taken notice of the immense number of empty storefronts. New homeless people around town. New posers as homeless people for the quick cash. Looking into blood shot eyes in line at a fast-food counter scrummaging for change in their pockets. When did they become so lost and sad? What I also can feel in these bodies, they lost their faith in God.
“Nothin’ to say
When everything gets in the way
Seems you cannot be replaced
And I’m the one who will stay, oh”
I looked at myself as I felt very stuck this summer. Projects that disappeared. New projects put on hold indefinitely. The novel half written with no path that made sense. No one cute to date. I was feeling lost in time. The forever asking God “When? When is it going to come together? When will my Dream come true? When God, WHEN?” It wasn’t my lack of faith. It is pure frustration of sitting in this space. I felt like my clock had stopped. I was afraid to become one of the zombies. I was afraid of the waiting. Afraid the waiting would eat me and ruin me. I sat in these thoughts one early morning loading my dishwasher. Suddenly a dish fell out of my hand and onto the floor completely shattering. “Awesome” I said out loud. I finished loading the dishes and got myself on the floor to clean up the mess. I heard a familiar voice come into my head. “Why don’t you change the clock that stopped on your wall, that is why you feel stuck in time. Give it a try. Oh, you’re welcome. You can say thank you from time to time. I’m just looking out for you.” Definitely the voice of my old work friend Ishmael aka “Fatty-B”. “Oh, thanks Fatty-B. How and why did you get into my head?” I let that thought disappear and decided the clock had to go. He was right. It was time for a new one. I added the dead clock to a box set out for the Veterans and wished it well. The new clock arrived and fit perfectly on the wall. I was in love with the loud green positive vibes the clock gave out. The next few days I was feeling more alive and started to get back into enjoying life again. Time was ticking forward. No more fears of becoming a lost zombie.
If you live under a rock, I am excited to be the first to tell you this was the summer of Harry. I mean that kid is killing it. Between him and my favorite Insta sandwich guy I have a whole new set of spirit animals. I want to live life like Harry, only with a good sandwich in hand and pants not as tight as his. That becomes painful to maintain. Harry has become my favorite rockstar. I may even download a full album not just the three songs that I know. See, I can make a commitment. His confidence is on point. I need some of that. I have the jingle of “As It Was” in my head day and night. It just makes me smile. I want to watch fancy Insta reels of everyone’s travel pics to that song. Is there any other way? I dance in the aisles of a supermarket to that jingle and feel fabulous. I am so lucky that Harry is my new spirit animal.
Wait a second, it’s not a happy song? After listening to it for the entire summer, come August I actually learned the lyrics to find it is not the happy jolly song I believed was my summer theme. “Harry? What are you doing to me?” When putting more thought into it, Harry was talking to me. There was something holding me back. I started to notice signs within me that were crying for help. Playing a victim and putting blame on things that were no one’s problems but mine. Being envious of people moving forward and I was still stuck. There was something inside of me that was dead. I could even smell it. It needs to go. I blamed a million things, including Diet Coke for my problems until I was back in my kitchen loading the dishwasher and this time a glass broke. Yes, a wine glass-did you really need that clarification? Seriously, let’s get back to the moment.
“Answer the phone
”Harry, you’re no good alone
Why are you sittin’ at home on the floor?
What kind of pills are you on?”
Ringin’ the bell
And nobody’s comin’ to help
”
I followed the routine. Finished the dishes got on the floor to clear the glass, and then the clock spoke to me again. It was ticking. I sat on the floor and remembered the last time there was broken wine glasses on my kitchen floor. The night that turned into a weekend on that floor. Breaking every glass that I had slamming it at the clock until it broke and stopped working. That was back in 2006. That was the day I broke my inner clock and stopped time. That was the day I died inside. That memory was heavy. I will save the details for another time. Just know, it was painful. I am still amazed that I physically stayed alive. I can’t believe I have been carrying that dead weight around since then.
“It’s time to say good-bye to the old you and be alive again.” I looked at my new clock and saw it’s vibrance. “I would like to say good-bye to the old me and live again.” I said back to myself. I remembered how I got myself out of that weekend. It was a random four am call from Ishmael. “I know you need a friend right now. It seems like you can’t get out of it, but you can. I know you still have it in you.” He convinced me to live that day. I picked myself up and went to bed. Got myself together and went to work and back into the world. I somehow thought the clock was a badge of honor. It was a constant memory of what broke me. I no longer needed it. I actually never needed it. I smiled to still be alive. That afternoon I was given the news that Ishmael had died.
Now might be a good time to explain our friendship. It started as some serious hatred. He was aweful. I was a saint. No just kidding. Just making sure you are still there.
We worked together and seriously, we had to be broken up because we were fighting so badly. PS: there was no such thing as HR back then. Things got ugly. He was an angry zombie. Until God came into his life and he became born again. He turned it around and shined the light he was brought here for. After years of this torture, things shifted. Our fights became pranks, then hugs, driving him home after work, to becoming good friends.
“Holdin’ me back
Gravity’s holdin’ me back
I want you to hold out the palm of your hand
Why don’t we leave it at that?
”
The last time I saw him was a random encounter in Manhattan. It has been at least eight years since I last saw him. I could not miss that raspy voice. “Shorty! SHORTY! Deb Krusz!” That five-foot two man came running up beside my five-foot seven frame with three-inch heels on top of that.
“Oh hey, Fatty. Whazz-up?”
“Look at you. You’re still short you know.”
“Thank you, I have been working on it. You’re still fat. Good to see that things haven’t changed. Consistency looks good on you.”
No time for laughs we both had to catch the light going in opposite directions.
“You are looking good. You should keep that up. You’re going to miss me one day you know.”
“Hmm-never.” I screamed to him.
He walked east, I walked west. I turned around to see him scuffle off into the subway station. “That is the last time I am going to see him, I can feel it.” My clairvoyance was on point that day. I went off to Grand Central on my way home, never to return to the city since that day back in 2019.
God always knows who to put in your path. “Dear God, if you can put Jonathan Roumie in my path, I would appreciate that.” Can’t hurt to ask right? Until then, I will finish talking about the Ish. There was no coincidence of our insane friendship. He did save my life that day back in 2006. I am grateful. I stand by our last exchange of words. I will never miss you because you will haunt me forever. I mean you are my angel forever. “Thank you, Lord, for sending me an angel that has full blown sarcasm. That way you know I will listen.”
As the new clock ticks away, I have rid of the dead weight and became born again with nothing holding me back. As my friend became born again many years ago, he was able to be welcomed into the Kingdom of God. I can see him happy and content there. There is always that chance to turn it all around.
“Unlimited twinkies kid.” I said to the clock and sent Ishmael some prayers.
“انا لله وانا اليه راجعون”, “From God we will return.”
Until we meet again my brother.
God will send you who you need when you need them. He is always on time. I would never have thought after those years of fighting with Ish he would be someone I would call my angel. I saw that troubled young girl who lost God in her heart and was asking for someone to help her find him again. Instgram can be fun that way. Don’t be afraid to let faith lead the way. Don’t let your past hold you back from having a future. Dead weight doesn’t look good on anyone. Let random friendships let you believe in yourself again.
I am Debby Krusz, known as the Dream Pollinator. I am a Life, Career, Accountability, Meditation, and Energy Coach. My Dream Pollination Project is about helping you find what God put in your heart and make it happen. Want to learn more? Reach out to me, I would love to work with you!
Please leave a comment below and follow me on social media @debbykrusz .
The more you help with these little things helps me get a bit closer to my Dreams.
Contact me: debbykrusz@gmail.com
Harry Styles “As It Was” Full Lyrics Here: https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=as+it+was+lyrics&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8
Harry Styles Photo Credit here: https://www.concertarchives.org/concerts/love-on-tour-harry-s-house-d3eae4c3-6702-448d-9e88-d6c4020ea802
Photo of Ishmael Credit from RR Donnelly announcement on Bowne 2.0 FaceBook Page
