The Summer I Turned Pretty
Past Lives
This summer has been an extraordinary journey, sparked by the movie "Past Lives." The Korean word "In Yun," signifying the fate that connects people, emerged as my guiding theme. As I reflect on these transformative months, I've delved deep into the exploration of my own fate, my In Yun.
In the midst of crafting new programs for my coaching business, I recognized the imperative need for personal growth. To move forward, I underwent a soul-searching process, extending forgiveness to myself for past harsh self-judgments and unfair responses to life's challenges. It's remarkable how the past can resonate with the present, like echoes from 2005 reaching me here in August 2023. It feels like the universe is conspiring to orchestrate something truly special.
The part I anticipated to be the most challenging turned out to be the most rewarding. One day, I immersed myself in prayerful meditation, extending invitations to significant figures from my past to join me in this introspective moment. My intention was to seek forgiveness and confront my own missteps. Although I sent out spiritual invitations to three individuals, only one responded.
"I'm glad you asked me to come today," he said. For the sake of anonymity, let's call him Dash.
"I can't believe you showed up. Are the others coming?" I inquired, scanning the empty space around us.
"Oh, no, they're too apprehensive. But I do have an idea," Dash replied.
"Alright, what is it?" I asked, feeling a bit nervous about what he was about to propose. Then, I remembered my original intention. "Wait a second, I asked you here so I could offer my forgiveness."
"We're good on that front, you know that," Dash reassured me. "Listen, your perfect partner is coming. He's really close, I mean REALLY CLOSE. I want to help you be ready."
“That is what I was hoping to accomplish in this forgiveness part of my journey. I'm excited to hear and grateful for your perspective. Tell me what I need to know," I replied.
Dash began to reflect on what could have been during our time together. He acknowledged our aspirations in 2005 and how we fell short of those goals. Yet, he emphasized that I had since become the person we both envisioned.
"Yes, us in 2005 seems like a distant memory. I know I've grown, and I'm committed to continuous self-improvement. Back then, I didn't even like myself very much," I admitted.
"I know, I didn't like myself either. But now you have the opportunity to embody all the qualities we aspired to back then. You've achieved what we both wanted. Don't forget how far you've come."
It dawned on me that if we had been those people we aspired to be in 2005, we might not have appreciated each other. Our insecurities would likely have driven us apart, and the outcome could have been very different.
"Yeah, you're right. We were so young and lacked the maturity to be who we needed to be. We allowed our insecurities to drive us apart," I conceded.
"Exactly. So, your perfect man is on his way. He's becoming the person I wanted to be back then because you worked hard to become who you are today. He's been on his own journey to become the person he has been striving for. Someone you can build a wonderful family with, and the love you truly deserve," Dash observed. His words moved me to tears. He provided intricate details about why a decision we made together in 2005 held such significance. He illuminated how God's plan had been at work for us, even as we took separate paths.
Dash invited a second invitation to the other men I had previously invited to the table during that mediation and weeks later we had our gathering. It was hysterical to be able to sit at a table with all of them, including my future partner which none of us have yet to meet. The conversations were witty and the laughs were loud. They all accepted my forgiveness in this space that I had given it out. They also didn’t want to be there very long and excused themselves one by one. Myself, Dash and my future husband continued to talk in this spiritual space. It was easier to have some honesty without the others. I am grateful for Dash’s idea and invitation to make this happen in the summer of 2023. I am ready to move on.
There comes a time to let go and move on, August was very loud for me and this process of forgiveness turned it all around. Dash has been an adamant voice this season. He asked me to make some things clear. I don’t think I knew this was coming, but it is time to write about it without hiding behind a cryptic message. He gave me the permission to do so. I know once this is done he will fade from our daily conversations and I think we are ok with that.
In the summer of 2019, I reached a low point, grappling with the enigma of God's plan. I often felt bewildered and despondent. Seeking solace, I turned to alcohol, and there were many nights when I wished for an escape from the pain. One Sunday during that time, as I sat at my usual spot in the harbor, I noticed signs from Dash as I scrolled through my phone. It appeared as if he was attempting to reconnect. Word had it that he was divorced, and the possibility of reigniting our connection began to cross my mind. I had changed, and I hoped he had too. However, memories of past pain resurfaced, and I remembered the arduous journey it had taken to heal and recover. Could I really subject myself to that again?
When I received his Facebook friend request, I gazed into the eyes in his profile picture. Those eyes reflected the hurt I carried within me. At that moment, I felt a spiritual connection with him. I wrestled with conflicting emotions—anger and compassion. I wanted to say yes, yet my memory remained unwavering. I wanted to do the right thing, so I turned to God for guidance. I recalled a card we used to exchange back in 2005 that read,
"Hey you! Go look out the window! I blew you some kisses, they should arrive soon." So, I did just that – I sent him some kisses into the air and entrusted the rest to God. I ignored his Facebook request and carried on with my day, leaving the door open to divine intervention. Later on that year, I learned the harsh news that Dash was no longer with us here on earth. As my heart broke all over again, I saw God’s path and had to trust he had one for Dash too.
Dash had played a crucial role in shaping my journey and had become my In Yun. We had forgiveness at some point in the past few years since he passed and I can now finally see that we did have some good memories back in our time together. He illuminated my path, even when I couldn't comprehend God's plan. I am eternally grateful for his presence in my life and for his assistance in creating these programs, particularly this one on Pollinating your perfect mate. As August slips away, I know that Dash will fade from our conversations and guidance for now. Until then,
“But I can see us lost in the memory
August slipped away into a moment in time
’Cause it was never mine”
Those deep prayers and meditation felt like winning the lottery. From July through August, I reveled in a state of bliss, brimming with hope for the future. Love flowed freely, both in giving and receiving, and the anticipation of God's plan was exhilarating. I leapt out of bed each morning, fueled by this excitement. During the second meditation, I received the clarity that propelled me forward on my journey. I am profoundly grateful for this experience, knowing that they all hold a piece of the puzzle that will lead me to my perfect partner.
The Summer I Turned Pretty
If you've seen me lately, you'll notice I've acquired a deep tan. I mean, seriously TAN. It's a testament to the progress I've made. The sunlight soaking into my skin feels like divine kisses from God. I've dedicated time and effort to pull myself out of the rut I found myself in from 2019 until now. I didn't like the person I saw in the mirror back then, but a few weeks ago, I caught a glimpse of a new me. I saw the sunshine return to my cheeks, felt the laughter bubble up in response to life's silly moments, and embraced the love I have for the people around me and the love that's returned to me. It's real, it's here, and I'm savoring the random acts of kindness, the curious questions from strangers, and even the honest flirtation at Starbucks. I can't forget the guy who stopped me at the gym just to tell me I had a beautiful smile. It's all coming together, and I feel pretty. I sense that someone special is on the horizon, someone who will be my new In Yun at the perfect time and place, a gift divinely crafted for me by God.
Although I could not see his face or look into his eyes, my future husband has a kind heart, is loving and after he clears up some things with his work, he will be coming to find me. I am pretty excited about that. I also found out he is a Taylor Swift fan. That must be Dash’s touch to make me laugh a little harder. If that’s the worst thing I will need to deal with, I will take it. Everybody loves a little Taylor.
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