All That I Have
I ended my deep mediation-prayer by handing over my fear to Jesus and said my good-byes. Suddenly, I missed that simple thing. As I watched Jesus take him away, I felt calm and relaxed, but deeply saddened. I continued to check in on him.
“Jesus? Is he OK? Trying to locate him, I stepped back into meditation-prayer to see what he was doing.
“Seriously?” Jesus answered. Then he gave me an eyeroll as he slightly shifted down his sunglasses. How could I be so foolish as to question what Jesus is intending to do with something I gave Him? My reaction was a lack of faith in Jesus.
Let’s Back up a Bit
There are some pieces to this puzzle that you may not understand. I get it. It took me some time to get here. I pray. I put in some serious prayer time. I post each week my prayers and intentions during my Adoration. I post prayers each day in my prayer chain. I listen to prayers via text, Facebook, Instagram, etc... I get hit up in DeCicco’s, including all times of the night taking messages. I believe in the power of prayer. It is for sure a superpower I didn’t realize I was using. I am so grateful I discovered the depth of this gift.
“How can I get closer to you Lord?” It is amazing how you can ask God for almost anything, and he ALWAYS responds. I believe prayer can be found in many directions and I was searching hard for an answer. Again, not letting God do his work, I felt I must give him options. What does he know about me anyway? Will I ever learn? Then there was the DM from my friend Sabrina.
Now I must give the disclaimer to clarify our relationship, especially for my mom who at this moment is saying, "Sabrina, Sabrina?" No mom. Not Sabrina, Sabrina.”, “How do you know more than one Sabrina?” I know more than ten. But only one is significant for this conversation.
Sabrina Palazzo and I met on a podcast during the pandemic about Surviving Death, a series on Netflix. Both of us having a close connection with the afterworld and were brought together by our host Fern Ronay, along with Diane Michael to discuss our clairvoyance gifts and the show. We discussed how we use our enlightenment to help ourselves heal as well as helping others heal. I look at it as a road map on learning how to love.
All of us ladies bonded and built wonderful relationships. I am so grateful as I am learning so many new ways to pray outside of my Catholic walls that get me closer to God. The most important part of my conversation with Sabrina:
“I would love to have you. And I know this group would love to have your energy part of it. It’s an incredible group of women so far & you’re going to enjoy them I can already tell ❤️.” Sabrina wrote to me.
“Thank you, God.” This was the call I was looking for.
During the 8-week session, I learned a new way to dig deep into prayer and learn how to get closer to Jesus through breathwork. He is now my best friend. I used to pray and talk to Jesus in a garden somewhere in a land I never saw. It was always serious, and I was always prim and proper. Jesus looked exactly like the well-known pictures all over churches, but in this new prayer space He was different. This time he was so real to me. If I may, the Jesus I can see today is not only everything you have known to love and imagine, but He is also hysterical, sarcastic, gives me serious side-eye, and exactly the Jesus I can relate to. He makes me love Him more when He is in a tracksuit and sunglasses, never putting down His coffee. It is a whole new meaning to “Jesus Rocks.”
In this deep mediation-prayer through breathwork, this day we concentrated on fear. What it looks like, why it is here, why it is holding onto us. I saw this tiny little animal holding onto my heart, tearing it open like the cheese you must peel the wax off, hanging onto that piece for dear life. I simply picked up my fear animal, had a conversation with it and then handed it over to Jesus.
Turns out my fear was so young, yet so old. He was afraid of leaving me just as afraid I was of leaving him. I now learned how to give my fear love and watch how magical love takes over. I started to trust Jesus at a whole new level.
I found out that I can’t have fear and love in my heart at the same time. Once I keep nourishing fear in Jesus’s arms new avenues of love, success, joy, and abundance came to find me. I no longer feel the need to chase it. I thank You, Jesus for teaching me every day how to get closer to You.
The test of loving your fear.
Maybe this is an easy one. None the less, a way to learn to love again. The past few weeks in our chapel there has been a toy shark. I could not think of who it could belong too. People started to contact me concerned about the shark, eager to find its home. Then suddenly the shark became a beloved member of the chapel. People left the shark notes, reached out to tell me they sat with the shark during prayer and felt comforted. Texts of “is the shark still there?” I got excited to see the shark during my prayer time and yes. I also sat with the shark, prayed for him, and asked him to pray for me too. I looked up the meaning of the shark:
To shut out fear and go for what you want. To find your inner strength.
I shared this with my Facebook and Adoration families. The responses were amazing.
“I felt his strength!”
“He gave me the prayers I needed.”
“He pushed me through my fears.”
“Wait! That shark is Agustin’s”
Wait what? Agustin? Why didn’t I think of him? This amazing young boy who has a heart of gold and not a fear in the world owns this love-able creature? I pray with his parents through The Emmanuel Community for the past few years. How did I not think it could belong to him? Well, I just got evangelized by a 2 ½ year old. I do believe there are no coincidences. I think he left it there on purpose. He has a strong relationship with God. He continues to smile the biggest when one of his parents receive communion as they hold him. I saw that in him when he was about 6 months old. From that moment on, I knew he already had a strong relationship with God.
Now Mr. Shark our Adoration mascot is back home, in the arms of Agustin. All of us were given love, strength, and hope by this animal of the sea we are terrified of. We learned to love a fear without even knowing it. Pretty amazing how God works in us every day.
I think of today and how grateful I am to have these special quiet moments in prayer when the other side of the world is under fire and turmoil. How long will we last on the current calm side of the storm? What will I bring with me if I must run away from everything? What is the most significant thing to me that I can’t live without? Can I take the shark? Will he save me? Where will I go?
“I don’t know.”
The voice inside me said out loud. But these lessons of love over fear have taught me to get closer to Jesus and keep on repeat “Jesus, I Trust in You.” My bag of surplus and refuge spoke to me:
“So I throw up my hands
And praise You again and again
’Cause all that I have is a hallelujah
Hallelujah
And I know it’s not much
But I’ve nothing else fit for a King
Except for a heart singing hallelujah
Hallelujah”
I will bring with me my Hallelujah, and I know it will take care of me in return.
God Bless, be safe, be loved, and bring with you all that you have.
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Brandon Lake, Gratitude: https://youtu.be/dQdfs5S6jyA
